First priority: all the food. We head toward the neighbourhood of the night market and stumble upon a little hole in the wall. There are maybe five items on the menu and they're all soup. The owner is serving all the tables as well as preparing the dishes. She has a big vat of broth and then separate containers filled with noodles, meat, and veggies. We joyfully slurp and promise each other that we will return.
From there we head to Catmosphere for a caffeine fix and some much needed kitty cuddles. The cats are bashful at first, but eventually warm to us. They're named things like Catniss, Yoda, Blue. At some point a couple of European influencers enter the cafe and I end up in their vlog. So if you come across a video of me crawling on the ground and baby-talking to some uninterested felines, know that I never signed a release. I start to feel sick, so we head back.
Instead of napping, resting, hydrating, or engaging in any act of self-care, I start slamming beer.
We have big plans to attend the "ladyboy" show at Cabaret, so I'll need to start on my buzz if I'm going to make it out that late.
On our way out and in the midst of a very loud inappropriate conversation, we round the corner and I nearly plow over the most gorgeous man I've seen in Thailand thus far. So naturally, I turn several shades of red and run away while repeatedly apologizing.
We need sustenance and there is a particularly happening food stall we want to try. We end up ordering two pork dishes: one is almost a candied pork in small cubes and the other is fried kale and pork in a zesty garlic sauce. They also serve us chilled green tea, sweetened with something I can't quite put my finger on, but the aftertaste is similar to marshmallow.
Nearly vibrating with excitement, we enter Cabaret and the place is packed. The show is everything I could have hoped for and more. The highlight is a rendition of Lady Marmalade with all the key players: Xtina, Mya, Pink, but Lil Kim is the standout star of the performance.
After an hour the show abruptly ends and everyone is out the door. Disappointment sinks in: now that we're drunk, we want to stay and socialize!
The performers also head outside and start taking photos with the attendees. All I want is one picture with my idol, Lil Kim, but all the other Moulin Rouge girls jump in and soon they're all yelling at me for money. I hand Xtina a bill, but she points to Pink and demands: "Some for her!"
Arielle is down to only coins, Xtina scoffs at the change, but Lil Kim knows money is money and gladly scoops it from Arielle's outstretched palm. I've tipped two of them but now Mya wants some. I only have big bills left, which she quickly spots and tells me she'll accept. We make it out of the mob scene with our dignity barely intact and our wallets empty.
Still hoping for one more drink, we go in search of another venue, but the market is dying down. I spot a Hard Rock Cafe sign with live music drifting from it. But when we get there, it's a crappy Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band and there are exactly three patrons watching. So we grab a large Chang from the convenience store and drink it on the walk home.
The handsome guy from earlier is hanging out in the lobby with another guy, I give them a brisk awkward greeting and continue to our room. Arielle suddenly thinks we should drink our beer by the pool. In all my naivety, I do not recognize that Arielle is trying to force me to interact with boys, so I happily agree. The two men quickly come join, the one from earlier is Casey from New York. His friend is Calvin and is from Taiwan. They are, respectively, shy and loud.
Some girl staying next door comes over and politely but sternfully tells us to shut up. Pool party is officially over. Probably for the best as it's 1 a.m. and the van for our tour is arriving in six hours. I slam water and chips before bed and hope for the best.
6:oo comes around fast. I roll over and groan at my alarm. Why? Why is it the one morning we actually have to get up early is the one and only time we're hungover? I pour boiling coffee down my gullet and thank drunk Fran for organizing all her shit before passing out.
At 6:50 they call upstairs to tell us our van has arrived. WHY? Why is the only time the van shows up early the one day I need extra time. I bring my neck pillow with the intentions of passing out in the back of the van for the duration of the three hours to Chiang Rai, but I'm in for a surprise. We're the only two people on the tour today and our tour guide insists we sit up front and chat with him. WHY??
Our guide asks if we brought passports (for the river ride through the Golden Triangle) and if we are looking forward to the opium testing part of the tour. Hmm weird, I think, I don't remember reading that part of the itinerary. Later, I will discover that he is joking, but at the time, my gullible self is like: "Well, I guess today we smoke opium."
Meanwhile, Arielle is certain we're about to get trafficked, and starts visualizing all sorts of Taken scenarios.
We stop at some hot springs for a break and I beeline for the coffee shop. I point at a picture and grunt. It looks refreshing as shit. The lady brews loose Thai tea leaves, mixes it with condensed milk, pours it over ice and tops it with foam. This is my first experience with iced Thai tea, but it will not be my last.
I sip my tea and we try to soak our feet in the mineral pool but it's scalding and Arielle falls backwards off the stump she's sitting on. I need food, fast; we head towards my all-time favourite business, 7-Eleven. All around us, tourists are boiling eggs by dipping them in mesh baskets into the bubbling springs. The combined smell of overcooked hardboiled eggs and sulphur is too much.
After an eternity, we enter the air-conditioned heaven that is 7-Eleven. What I want is a hot dog or taquito, what I see on the grill is a long grey sausage with some sort of spekking. I see another empty display case with photos of dim-sum on it. The cashier is trying to sell me the questionable sausage, I shake my head no and enquire about the lack of available dim sum. She tells me she can nuke some barbecue pork buns and I almost cry with joy.
We arrive at the White Temple and it's fucking hot and there are about a hundred thousand Chinese tourists, once again taking bizarre photos and ignoring any and all personal boundaries. Our guide shuffles us along as sweat streams down my body and I hope I don't puke. He directs us to some good photo spots and patiently takes tons of photos, he even experiments with the zoom and different angles. A real pro. The palace is really cool, but smaller than expected (as it's still under construction) so we're in and out quickly.
Next we head to Chiang Sain and explore the ancient ruins in a more relaxed environment with few to no other people around.
Finally, it's lunch time and we stop at a little wooden treehouse of a restaurant, surrounded by lush gardens where we're served coconut chicken soup, rice, spring rolls, veggies, and a spicy chicken cashew dish. It's exactly what two little hungover white girls need.
We set off for the Golden Triangle where Myanmar, Laos and Thailand meet. We take a boat tour and see an island in which Chinese investors have a 99 year lease and are building a garish hotel and casino. Hundreds of young Asian men are on the other side waiting to go through customs and boat over to the "Chinese Economic Project" (their catchy title, not mine.)
"Only one hit of opium each," our guide jokes, still stony-faced. This time we laugh although I'm still not really sure whether or not we'll be smoking opium.
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